I have been listening to Pastor Mark Driscoll's series on "The Peasant Princess", and am just finishing up the second sermon titled "Sweet to My Taste". This is a sermon based on the Old Testament Book of Song of Songs, and it is about love within a marriage context - how love should be like.
I have experienced tremendous mixed feelings listening to the first two sermons, "Let Him Kiss Me" and "Sweet to My Taste". Let me share them here.
I have gotten over the trough of my mood swings and am on the way back to the cheerful me who works toilessly in the school library with ruthless efficiency (not really something to be joyful about, but being efficient does give me time to do the stuffs that REALLY matters). Praise God for enabling me to enjoy moderate success with my ERM and EBC presentations despite all I've been through in this testing period, and for planting believers around me who have tremendously encouraged and supported me by sometimes even just listening and telling me they'd pray for me. So to all my friends out there, thank you.
What has been troubling me while listening to the sermons is that... most of the stuffs that was mentioned that men should do for their spouses (or family, and maybe I am wrong about this but I implied this to a BGR relationship), I have already been doing them consistently over this past 2 on-and-off years. So I am really troubled by what I did wrong. I am not saying that I have done nothing wrong - I certainly did my fair share of wrongs, and I don't want you to say that it's your fault, but I really don't understand why except for the fact that it's God's will not any of ours.
When I listened to the sermon on "Sweet to My Taste" and how Pastor Mark talked about men wanting to protect their women, and the examples raised, I felt quite encouraged because I am (or was) on the right track. I wanted to support her, I even suggested we have a joint-bank account but she can just put however little she wants and I put everything I can. When we went out I always made sure that she's walking on the inner side of pavements, and furthest away from oncoming traffic when crossing the road, because if anyone is to be knocked down it has to be me and not her.
I also communicated numerous times asking how I can be a better person for her, improve on my flaws and how I can love her better. I did. So I really don't know what went wrong, but it probably just convicts me further that as cliche as this may sound, perhaps wrong time. Until now I am still hesitant to say "wrong person" because I don't know... Maybe, just maybe, it's the right person wrong time. Man always has hope. Until then, as my Sec 3 form teacher Mr. Ang used to say, "the show must go on".
Reading the Bible and listening to sermons has really been a great encouragement thus far in my walk with God. As a non-believer previously I was extremely skeptical about all these stuff (trust me I used to scorn at Christians like crazy), but until you (if you are a non-believer reading this now) come to learn about Jesus and experience His love and effects on your life, all these will remain hocus pocus to you.
I feel bad that I have not been able to invite any friends along for the two evangelical lunch time talks that CF held to share the good news of the Gospel, but I hope that seeing God's effect on my life and how I handled this time of troubles differently from the past (I smoked, drank, and did all sorts of stupid things when this relationship failed the first time round) has shown you (my non-believing friends out there who are reading this) something about this person Jesus Christ and sparked off a little curiosity in you wanting to learn more about Him.
To all my friends who have been silently providing concern by reading this little ranting blog of mine, thank you. For those of you who have voiced words of encouragement, thank you even more. Your understanding and support has helped me through this loneliest darkest period of my life. Thank you.
