"And He said to man, 'The fear of the Lord - that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding'" - Job 28:28
It was the end of the two-evening long Bible exposition by Reverend Christopher Ash from the Cornhill Training Centre in UK, under the invitation of Project Timothy, that marked the bottoming out of my depression streak.
Over the past two months, I have been undergoing a 'training' session from God on what it truly means to be a Christian and to truly submit myself to His will. As I heard a sermon on my iPod from Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle, US on "Pray Like Jesus - The Lord's Prayer", part of a 5-part series on how Christians should pray, I finally confirmed that sickening feeling I had yesterday evening.
I hadn't been really a Christian this while.
It may sound harsh to say this to myself, but I believe this is true. In the sermon, Pastor Mark Driscoll talked about the first time it was mentioned in the New Testament that Jesus Christ prayed, in Matthew 6:9-15:
"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Have I really asked for His will to be done?
No, I haven't. In the months that I thought I was a Christian, I prayed - like Pastor Mark Driscoll said - to God asking for my will to be done. I wanted her to be in a relationship with me again, I wanted her to do this, I wanted us to be that. I wanted everything but His will be done. Small wonder I needed this lesson to shock me into facing my inadequacies.
And therefore, in my darkest, loneliest time, a time where I felt betrayed by my love and God ignored me while I suffered, God sent His servant Dr. Christopher Ash to Singapore to preach on the Book of Job, one of the books of the Old Testament. Job was a blameless man - he was right with God, yet he suffered the tragic loss of his family, his wealth and his health. He lamented, he wished he was never born, and he was full of grief.
Yet, his story illustrated the two characteristics of a Christian which we have easily overlooked - that of an unique pain, and a passionate longing. When this was told to me I was so overcome with emotions that I almost cried in my seat. In my anguish the week past I felt the exact loneliness that was described - despite the fact that my friends from CF was always there to lend a listening ear. And at times, I wished I could have been called to God's kingdom because I could suffer no more wrenching of my heart.
And the lessons were there to be learnt. Firstly, I had not sought to do His will. This relationship of ours began at a time where I was not a Christian - our relationship was sinful and stupid in His eyes, yet we insisted in going against Him. I wanted my will to be done. I never prayed for His will to be done.
Your will be done.
Have I really forgiven the people I felt done wrong to me? I felt betrayed when I learned about what had happened from her, my willingness to give continued to be taken for a ride for months, but if ever this is a wrong that she did me, I forgive her. For bitterness leads to temptation - to hate, to anger, and to take revenge. But those are not of godly nature, and so I shall shun evil.
I forgive you. If I have done you wrong, forgive me and my trespasses too.
In the past weeks, I have found myself absolutely unable to effect any change in my life by my will. Ironically, when I switched on the TV just now and watched the last bit of today's episode of 岁月风云 on Channel 55, the first scene I saw was a beaten man, 危天行, who claimed that he had spent his whole life trying to prove that he was in control, but he was not (he died of a brain tumour in the show later). I have also tried to do things my way, even trying to solicit God's help.
Naturally, endeavouring to do things by my will failed miserably.
But, the lesson has been learnt.
Your will be done. Wisdom is fearing the Lord and understanding is shunning evil.
