In an earlier post, I spoke about the prayer mentioned in Matthew 6:9-15. I spoke about forgiveness, and asking to be forgiven. However, in the same sermon, Pastor Mark Driscoll mentioned that forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation.
I finally understood.
Part of the reason why I placed my last post in such detail was because I didn't dare to talk to her direct. I also knew that in all our time together she may have never remembered much about me, so I placed my blog address on my MSN personal message - she wouldn't remember it. Not any of the memorable dates. None.
I knew as a result she would come to this blog and read it. Honestly speaking, I don't know why she told me "I know we're cool, I read your blog" today. I don't know what "we're cool" means. If it means we forgive each other, then I guess it's nothing much. What I fear is that she wants to know I'm cool so she can feel less guilty about being (personally I feel) nasty. If it is about her feeling better then I'd rather not hear her tell me "we're cool".
Thing is, I'm not cool.
I still miss her, I still love her. Love is not something you can drop overnight, or even over 6 months, at least for me. Deleting her off my MSN is the only way I can stop myself from double-clicking on my MSN icon just to check if she's online and then staring at her "Online" status in wishful wait that she would talk to me. Forgiving her for all the things I could not stand her do to me in the past does not mean "we're cool".
We're not.
How can I be cool when the moment you message me my heart starts beating like crazy? How can I be cool when I am still wondering if you're really rebounding or he is that good? I can't.
I'm thankful to God that he allowed me to shut down before I could see your last response to my telling you that letting that short conversation go on further will only tempt and draw me to ask about the two of you. I didn't see your reply and I will make every effort not to remember that you were about to tell me something that I am not ready to hear.
So when you so kindly show me the concern that I used to crave when I was running a high fever, screaming for some concern in my shivering over an insignificant SMS, please don't try to tell me that I am cool. I am thankful for the concern that came late, but I am not cool.
Tell me that you're cool. For that will strengthen my resolve to move on.
Reconciliation takes more than forgiving. It takes me to forget that I love you so deeply and got in return a hurt equally deep.
I hope some day I can be cool with you. I really do.
Like you always say, in His time. This love will take a long time to lay to rest.
